Did you turn into someone else?

When my eldest granddaughter was 3-something, I showed her our wedding photo, which  happened to stand on the family mantel in her home. I said it was Grandpa and me. Obviously she’d never made the connection, for she looked back and forth from the photo to me, comparing the young woman with long dark hair inside the frame to the woman with short grey hair and glasses who was holding her.

“Grandma,” she finally said, earnestly, “did you turn into someone else?”

I can’t remember what I said in reply, though I chuckled. I still chuckle, thinking of it more than a a decade and a half later. What a great question.

I could have said Absolutely, yes, I’ve turned into someone else, in fact I’ve been a number of “elses” over my lifetime, at the cellular level for sure, but in other ways too, in awareness, knowledge, thinking, views on matters theological, political, and otherwise. Change is the stuff of life and I’ve tried to be open to changes and conversions of all kinds Here’s hoping it shows. 

But no surprise my granddaughter was confused. I get confused about myself too. I shopped for pants this week. Strolling the mall, seeing the window displays, I realized that when I look at the mannequins, in some weird way I still inhabit the sense of being a teen, assume myself slender and taut. Once inside the change room then, with my items to try on and it’s Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s that you’re looking at? and it’s someone with soft belly, soft thighs. With a sigh, recognition realigns with reality.

On the other hand, I could have said, No, no, no, same me, or better said, same old me. Surface is surface, and underneath is the me I’ve always been. It seems to me that there’s something basic in personality and sense of self that threads back as far as memory can take one and furthermore, that this thread, at least for a child with a reasonably happy childhood, doesn’t want to break. Shouldn’t.

I was struck by something I heard at an online funeral recently: the deceased person, on getting their terminal diagnosis, had said, “I’ve enjoyed being alive.”

Me too, I thought, I enjoy being alive.

Joy and wonder. That’s the part that feels unchanged, or when lost, can be recovered. It’s the entering the kingdom like a child. Being four or maybe five or six, the wonder of hearing exquisite music come out of a huge tape player above my head on the table. The wonder of fields and hills we played in, the wonder of “swimming” in a foot of creek water, the wonder of those letters on a page that make up words and can be read, the wonder of God is love.

Oh you sweet, bright grandchild of mine, did I turn into someone else? Yes and no. No and yes.

And you, what about you? Did you turn into someone else?

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A February day.

Konstantin Paustovsky & Hildi Froese Tiessen: there, then

I’ve been working my way through Konstantin Paustovsky’s 6-book Story of a Life this month. I heard about Paustovsky on The Mookse and the Gripes podcast and was drawn to his work when I discovered he was an almost-exact contemporary of my grandfather, about whom I’ve been thinking on account of last fall’s trip to the Caucasus. My grandfather was born in Molotschna Colony, Ukraine (then Russia) in 1890 and Paustovsky was born in Kiev, Ukraine in 1892.

I was also pleased to discover that the entire series is held at the Vancouver Public Library. I took them all out.

Since I may — someday — do a personal essay about my grandfather in the Caucasus during WWI, reading Paustovsky is a kind of research, though of the most pleasurable variety, for he writes vividly, not at a distance but from within each experience as it occurred. During the war he worked on a medical train, as did my grandfather. He was in Moscow during the early revolutionary period, when the city was “one solid, seething, endless public meeting.” He was in Kiev during part of the 3-year period when Ukraine underwent civil war and 17 political upheavals.

The first three books were especially compelling, but I will persist to the end because after a year in Odessa during the blockade (Vol. 4), Paustovsky spends time in the Caucasus in Vol. 5, which I’ve reached too. I look forward to his descriptions of that region.

Mennonite/s writing

I’ve also worked my way this month through On Mennonite/s Writing, selected essays by Hildi Froese Tiessen — “a scholar widely recognized as the primary critical figure in contemporary Mennonite literary studies” — recently published by CMU Press. The selecting of 18 essays, from her more than 80 contributions in the form of essays, book chapters, special journal issues, and so on–was done by Robert Zacharias. He also provides a fine introduction to Froese Tiessen’s overall work and this collection.

This is an important book, both in terms of honouring Froese Tiessen and of encapsulating a history of critical engagement with Mennonite literature. It was also fun to read.

I think I may have read some of the essays before, and certainly had some sense of the emergence of a so-called Mennonite literature, but I enjoyed starting at the beginning with her first essay in 1973 about Rudy Wiebe’s work, and seeing, in real time as it were, her continuing and developing insights into what was going on, especially in the relationship of Mennonite writers and their Mennonite community.

I read this book as a reader of Mennonite literature — and do recommend it to other readers and to students of literature — but I also enjoyed it as one of those “writers who happens to be Mennonite,” whose work came along rather later, in the wake of the period she especially observes. Reader or writer, we will all likely share the question of what comes next, and may have our opinions about what should or could, for as Froese Tiessen makes clear, the field has changed and continues to change. Her last essay describes the shift as one of “Mennonites as a community written about” to “Mennonites as a community writing.”

Two asides, or additional points of interest for me. The essay on the “forever summer, forever Sunday” trope of the Mennonite past in Russia, which entered the work of Rudy Wiebe, Sarah Klassen, David Waltner-Toews, and Sandra Birdsell (“Between Memory and Longing”) struck me as almost ironical as Froese Tiessen discerns/articulates an effect she herself could be said to have created. (She and her husband published a book of Peter Gerhard Rempel’s photographs of Mennonites in Russia with that title.) Perhaps an element of such circularity also characterizes her wider contribution to the field.

And then, in the middle of the book, in the essay “The Case of Dallas Wiebe,” three poems! His voice “distinctive enough to unsettle or inspire,” she says quite rightly. From the poem “God Speaks to the Geriatric Convention,” lines that sprung out to me:

You should imagine
that when you walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
that I am the one
who casts the shadow.

Reflecting on her life’s work, Froese Tiessen says, “[D]uring that irruption of Mennonite writing concentrated in the last two decades of the last century I had found myself, so often, right there, right then.” We can be grateful she was there, then, for her thinking is astute, her writing is clear and accessible, and her impact was enormous.

December’s great big decision

This week — between Christmas and New Year’s and a few days beyond – can be anticlimactic after packed and people-full holiday events, can even be, as someone on Twitter once remarked, “strange and timeless and heavy with depression and restlessness,” but that’s not the case for me this year. On the contrary, it seems among the loveliest of weeks. There’s a sense of fulfilment in what’s just happened and no particular obligation left, while the tree twinkles still with its lights and special ornaments, the poinsettia carries on with its remarkably radiant red, and there are leftovers to eat. Even for someone who’s semi-retired, there’s an impression of extra permission in the air: do what you want.

This airiness, this possibility, threads me back to such weeks in my childhood, when the main events of Christmas were done but we had more days free of school and did a puzzle, played games, read for hours, skated. Oh how we skated! Round and round and round the rink, in the bliss of the crisp outdoors and the ecstatic glide of blades on ice.

This week I have a puzzle spread out, and enough to read. I’m thinking about the past and the future. Not exactly making resolutions but assessing. Playing with images of Spirit. (“I take refuge in the shadow of your wings” Ps.57:1) Considering the multiple conflicts and sadnesses in the world.

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And then there’s December’s great big decision (don’t laugh): next year’s journal. I’ve done large notebooks, Moleskines and knockoffs, in-between sizes. I’m fussy by now: the paper has to be quality so it doesn’t bleed through with ink on both sides, it has to be narrowly lined. (I’ve also tried unlined.)

I liked this year’s journal book, but can’t find another like it. I have something close though am wary of the coil binding going wonky on me.

At the juncture of a new notebook, I brood about my journaling practice too. Should I go for diary-like, or intermittent random thoughts? How about one of those one-line-a-day attempts? Sounds like a fun challenge but might be like handcuffs for a writer. Gratitude and grump, or just gratitude?

In In The Jaws of the Black Dogs, John Bentley Mays judged his Aunt Candalia’s diaries as “performances of dread, a stalling of death… an attempt to ground herself, if on no more solid ground than the shifting site of writing….”

Mays’ critique stings, for yes, the journals/diaries certainly add up to “the suffocating intimacy of details” over the years, but then again, if I hadn’t noted these quotes when reading his book back in 2007, could I have used them here? At any rate, the new year approaches and I’ve got an (almost decided upon) notebook waiting as pristine and empty as a field of new snow, ready for the first foot marks of the first day to be written over it.

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I wish you all a good new year, friends, however you live and mark your field of days. May you be blessed!